Disenfranchised Grief: The Grief That Is Not Allowed to Count

QUICK ANSWER

Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not socially recognised, validated, or supported; grief that is experienced as real and significant but that exists outside the social norms that determine which losses count and which grief deserves acknowledgement. Examples include grief following miscarriage, the loss of a pet, the end of an unacknowledged relationship, grief following the death of an estranged person, grief over a relationship that was hidden, grief over suicide, and many others. The absence of social validation compounds the grief itself with shame and isolation.

What Makes Grief Disenfranchised

The concept of disenfranchised grief was developed by grief researcher Kenneth Doka, who observed that grief is socially regulated, and that social norms implicitly determine which losses are considered significant enough to warrant grief support and public acknowledgement.

Losses that fall outside these norms, either because the relationship is not socially recognised, the loss is not considered significant enough, or there is stigma attached to the death or the relationship, produce grief that exists without social support. The person is grieving, often intensely, but they are doing so without the social scaffolding that normally supports the grief process.

This has specific consequences. Without social recognition, the grieving person often does not receive time off work, condolences, social support, or the permission that social acknowledgement confers to be visibly affected. They may not even have language for what they are experiencing, because the loss has not been named as a loss by the people around them.

And they may not allow themselves to grieve, because the absence of social permission is internalised as a message that the grief is not legitimate.

Common Forms of Disenfranchised Grief

• Pet loss: The grief following the loss of a companion animal is frequently minimised: it was just a cat; you can get another dog. For the many people for whom an animal was a primary companion and source of daily comfort, this is genuine, significant grief. Its disenfranchisement compounds the loss with invalidation.
• Pregnancy loss: Miscarriage, stillbirth, and termination each produce grief that is frequently not socially supported. The losses occur in private, often before the pregnancy has been announced, and social norms often encourage moving on quickly. Research consistently shows that pregnancy loss produces significant grief that deserves recognition and support.
• Death of an estranged person: The death of a parent, sibling, or other relative with whom the relationship was severed or difficult does not produce straightforward grief; it often produces a complex mixture of grief for what was lost and grief for what was never had. The social expectation of simple bereavement does not accommodate this complexity.
• Loss following a hidden or unacknowledged relationship: The death of a partner in a secret relationship, because of its nature, its prohibition, or its social stigma, produces grief that cannot be publicly acknowledged. The person grieves alone, without support, and often without the ability to attend the funeral or be recognised as someone with a significant loss.
• Death by suicide: Bereavement following suicide is among the most disenfranchised forms of grief, attached to stigma, to questions about what could have been done, and to a cultural discomfort that often prevents the full social acknowledgement of the loss and the circumstances.
• Grief over the end of relationships: The end of a significant relationship, even one that was never formalised, produces real grief that is often not recognised as such by the social world, which tends to reserve grief recognition for death.

The Compounding Effect of Disenfranchisement

The absence of social recognition compounds the grief in specific ways.

• Isolation: the grieving person has no community with whom to share the loss, no social ritual to participate in, no external acknowledgement that something significant has occurred. This isolation is one of the primary obstacles to grief processing, which depends on connection.
• Shame: the absence of social permission can be internalised as a message that the grief is not legitimate, that the person is overreacting, or that there is something wrong with experiencing this level of pain over this kind of loss. Shame shrinks the grief rather than allowing it to be processed.
• The absence of language: many losses that are disenfranchised are losses for which there is no standard vocabulary. There is no word in English for a person whose pregnancy has ended involuntarily. There is no word for the particular grief of an ex-partner. The absence of language reflects and reinforces the absence of social recognition.

What Helps With Disenfranchised Grief

The most important thing is naming the grief, explicitly, to yourself and, if possible, to at least one other person who can witness it, as a real and legitimate grief, regardless of social recognition.

Finding or creating a ritual. Grief is processed through ritual, through the formal acknowledgement of what has been lost. When the usual social rituals of mourning are not available, creating personal rituals, a private ceremony, a place for the pet’s ashes, or a memorial in some form, provides the acknowledgement that social norms have withheld.

Community with others who have experienced the same disenfranchised loss. Online communities have been particularly valuable for disenfranchised grief, providing connection and validation for losses that exist outside mainstream social recognition.

Therapy with a grief counsellor who understands disenfranchised grief specifically, who will not minimise the loss or suggest moving on more quickly than the grief requires.

KEY TAKEAWAYS

• Disenfranchised grief is grief over losses that social norms do not recognise as significant enough to warrant public mourning
• Examples include pet loss, pregnancy loss, estranged relationships, hidden relationships, suicide bereavement, and relationship endings
• Disenfranchisement compounds the grief with isolation, shame, and the absence of language for the experience
• Naming the grief as legitimate, creating personal rituals, and finding community with others with the same loss are the most important responses
• Therapy with a grief counsellor who understands disenfranchised grief provides the professional support that is often not otherwise available

Frequently Asked Questions