Continuing Bonds: Why Staying Connected To Who You Have Lost Is Healthy, Not Unhealthy

Continuing bonds in grief explain how memories, values and symbolic connections can remain meaningful after someone dies. Discover what bereavement research says about these ongoing relationships, why remembrance is not inherently unhealthy and when additional support may be appropriate.

What Are Continuing Bonds In Grief?

A person can be absent from your daily life and still influence the decisions you make. Perhaps you remember a parent’s advice when facing a difficult choice, prepare a dish your partner taught you to cook, or smile at a joke a friend would have appreciated. These experiences need not indicate that you are confused about the death or unable to recognise the changes it has brought.

Continuing bonds in grief are ways in which an emotional or symbolic connection with someone who died remains part of the bereaved person’s life. Such connections may involve memories, values, rituals, meaningful belongings or a sense that the relationship continues to have personal significance.

It is possible to acknowledge the permanence of a death while maintaining affection for the person who died. These are not contradictory positions. The physical relationship has changed, but your history with that person remains part of your life.

Importantly, continuing bonds are not automatically beneficial in every form. The title of this article challenges the assumption that remembering someone or maintaining a symbolic connection is inherently unhealthy. It does not imply that every experience associated with a deceased person promotes wellbeing. Distress, functioning and individual circumstances are important. Our guide to the psychology of grief provides a broader introduction to bereavement.

Why Letting Go Is Not The Only Model Of Recovery

When people speak about moving on, they may mean very different things. One person might mean accepting that a death occurred, while another might mean no longer thinking about the deceased. An instruction to let go can therefore unintentionally suggest that continued affection is a problem.

Historically, some psychological models placed greater emphasis on ending emotional attachment after bereavement. Later approaches explored how a relationship could remain psychologically significant even after death. In their 2005 review, Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut examined the evidence for retaining or relinquishing bonds. They concluded that neither strategy could be established as generally beneficial and called for greater attention to individual circumstances.

This is an important correction to both extremes. If you find it comforting to remember someone, you do not have to stop doing so merely to demonstrate that you have adapted to their death. If you prefer fewer reminders, you do not have to retain objects or observe rituals to demonstrate that your relationship mattered.

Consider a fictional example. A widower keeps his wife’s favourite photograph on his desk and occasionally recalls a conversation with her. Another bereaved spouse decides to store photographs rather than display them daily. Both may understand that their partners have died, participate in current relationships and manage their responsibilities. Their different preferences do not establish which individual is adjusting better.

What A Systematic Review Reveals About Continuing Bonds

A systematic review by Helen Hewson and colleagues, published online in 2023 and subsequently in a 2024 issue of Death Studies, included 79 studies. It considered a broad range of experiences associated with ongoing relationships to the deceased, rather than limiting its analysis to one form of remembrance.

The review identified themes involving comfort and distress, personal and relational identity, and spiritual understanding or uncertainty. This suggests that continuing bonds can matter in several aspects of bereavement. It also makes clear why a single recommendation to maintain or abandon them would oversimplify the evidence.

For example, a photograph may offer one person reassurance and prompt another to recall a particularly painful event. The same individual may respond differently to that photograph over time. The existence of a reminder does not tell us whether it is helpful, distressing or both.

The review supports considering possibilities for meaningful adaptation rather than regarding an ongoing connection as a symptom by default. It does not demonstrate that creating a particular bond will prevent a grief disorder or improve everyone’s mental health.

For everyday purposes, a useful question is whether a particular practice fits your circumstances and preferences. If a connection is meaningful but also distressing, you may benefit from discussing that experience with someone who can understand the fuller context. If the practice is neither troubling nor restrictive, there is no reason to treat it as a clinical problem simply because it relates to someone who died.

Different Ways An Ongoing Connection Can Take Shape

Continuing bonds do not require an elaborate memorial or a particular religious belief. Sometimes the connection is embedded in familiar activities. A person might make a decision by recalling the values that a deceased relative encouraged. Another might listen to music associated with a friendship or preserve a letter that contains an important conversation.

Researchers have examined distinctions between more internal forms of connection, such as drawing on a remembered relationship for guidance, and experiences in which the deceased seems physically present. These are research categories and should not become labels that people apply to themselves without considering their circumstances.

In a 2010 study by Nigel Field and Charles Filanosky, 502 bereaved participants completed online measures of continuing bonds and adjustment. Different expressions of bonds were associated with different measures of personal growth, grief difficulties and circumstances of the death. The study was observational, so those relationships cannot establish that particular practices caused the outcomes.

A symbolic connection can also be shared. Family members may remember a relative through stories, a charitable activity or an annual gathering. Others might prefer something entirely private. Neither a public nor private practice is required.

You may find that a person’s influence remains important even when you rarely think about them consciously. A skill they taught you, a shared expression that enters everyday conversation or a value that informs your conduct may be sufficient. You do not have to manufacture a new ritual to create an ongoing connection.

Memories And The Meaning Of A Changed Relationship

A death places limits on what can happen within a relationship. You cannot arrange another ordinary conversation with the person or change a past disagreement by speaking with them directly. Yet your understanding of earlier experiences may continue to develop as your own life changes.

In a 2006 study of 506 bereaved young adults, Robert Neimeyer, Scott Baldwin and James Gillies examined connections between grief symptoms, ongoing attachment and the ability to understand the loss. The associations depended partly on whether participants could make sense of their experience. This illustrates why the strength of an attachment alone offers limited information about adjustment.

Suppose you remember that a deceased relative frequently offered advice you found irritating. Years later, you might come to understand what they were trying to communicate, while still recognising that you disagreed with some of their choices. Your interpretation of the relationship has changed without requiring a new interaction.

Not every memory needs to become comforting. Some relationships contained conflict, disappointment or harm alongside affection. Bereavement does not require replacing those experiences with an idealised picture of the deceased. It may be appropriate to talk about difficult aspects of the relationship with a qualified professional.

Our related article on meaning-making after loss describes how people may reconsider their understanding of loss without finding a positive justification for it. Continuing bonds concern the significance of the relationship itself, which can remain important even when other questions have no satisfying answer.

When You Dream About Or Sense The Presence Of Someone Who Died

Some bereaved people report dreams involving the deceased, a fleeting impression of hearing a familiar voice or a sense that someone is nearby. These experiences may be surprising, especially if they occur outside an ordinary dream. A person may interpret such an experience psychologically, spiritually or through another framework meaningful to them.

In a 2020 interdisciplinary review, Karina Stengaard Kamp and colleagues examined bereavement-related sensory and presence experiences. The authors found that such reports often occur without indicating a psychiatric disorder and emphasised understanding the person’s circumstances and interpretation.

An experience can be meaningful without establishing its physical cause or proving a supernatural explanation. Conversely, it is not appropriate to diagnose a person solely because they describe a brief sense of presence following bereavement.

Seek professional assessment if such experiences are frightening, frequent, difficult to distinguish from current events or interfere with your ability to function. A clinician may consider sleep, medication, physical health, emotional distress and other relevant factors. If you experience instructions to harm yourself or someone else, obtain immediate emergency support.

If you are supporting someone who describes an experience of this kind, listen respectfully without confirming claims you cannot verify. Ask whether they felt comforted or frightened and whether they would like professional advice. The aim is to help them obtain suitable care when necessary while avoiding unnecessary shame about an experience they have chosen to disclose.

Continuing Bonds After Complicated Or Stigmatised Losses

The circumstances of a death can influence whether people feel comfortable speaking about the deceased. A person bereaved by suicide, for example, may encounter questions they do not wish to answer or experience concerns about how others will respond to a memorial. They may value aspects of the relationship that become overlooked when conversation focuses only on the circumstances of death.

A 2022 systematic review by Rebecca Goodall, Karolina Krysinska and Karl Andriessen examined 15 studies concerning continuing bonds after suicide loss. Participants generally reported positive experiences associated with bonds, but most studies used qualitative methods and the available quantitative evidence had limitations. The review identified a need for stronger research following people over time.

A bereaved person may want to preserve a photograph that reminds them of a shared holiday, tell a story about the person’s interests or engage in a private practice. These choices need not involve repeatedly revisiting the circumstances of the death.

Other people may prefer not to engage with particular reminders. That preference deserves respect, especially if an activity involves potentially traumatic material. Do not pressure someone to review distressing documents, photographs or messages in an attempt to preserve a relationship.

Our discussion of grief after suicide loss addresses additional forms of support that may be useful. If you experience persistent traumatic stress, disabling grief or concerns about your safety, a qualified professional can assess those difficulties and discuss suitable care.

Practical Ways To Remember Without Creating An Obligation

Begin with what you already find meaningful. There may be a piece of music you enjoy because of a shared memory or a useful skill that reminds you of someone. An ordinary activity may be more manageable than organising a large memorial.

If you would like to create a personal practice, consider the effort and resources involved. You could preserve a few photographs, record a memory in a private journal or prepare a familiar meal on a date that suits you. A practice does not have to be repeated regularly to have value.

Families often differ in their preferences about possessions. Before disposing of, transferring or displaying belongings that involve other people’s interests, discuss the decision with the appropriate individuals. Legal ownership, privacy and cultural considerations can matter as much as the symbolic significance of an object.

You can change a remembrance practice when your circumstances change. Moving house, experiencing illness or developing new responsibilities may make an earlier ritual impractical. Altering the arrangement does not revoke the history of the relationship.

Our guide to anniversary reactions in grief explores how significant dates may affect bereaved people differently. It is reasonable to make flexible plans for those occasions rather than expecting that remembrance must always occur in the same way.

The useful distinction is between choosing an activity because it matters to you and feeling obliged to perform it to prove your affection. If an activity is becoming a source of considerable distress, consider discussing it with someone you trust.

Can You Maintain A Bond And Build New Relationships?

A valued relationship from the past need not exclude new experiences in the present. Someone may continue to talk about a deceased spouse while developing a friendship or romantic relationship with another person. Someone who has lost a parent may seek advice from a mentor while still drawing on what their parent taught them.

New relationships should not be expected to reproduce the relationship that was lost. They involve different people, histories and forms of connection. It is possible to value them independently rather than treating one as a replacement for the other.

If you are entering a relationship with a bereaved person, consider discussing how they prefer to acknowledge their past. Respectful conversation can help clarify practical questions about photographs, family gatherings and other shared arrangements. You are also entitled to communicate your own needs without asking another person to erase their memories.

A continuing bond can coexist with enjoyment, future plans and ordinary responsibilities. If maintaining a particular practice is substantially preventing participation in important aspects of present life, it may be useful to explore the issue with a qualified professional. The difficulty may involve distress, practical pressures or other factors rather than the mere existence of a bond.

Our article on what healing actually feels like describes how changes in daily functioning and available choices can matter even when painful emotions remain.

When An Ongoing Connection Deserves Professional Attention

There is no single number of photographs, memorial visits or memories that separates a meaningful bond from a mental health difficulty. A clinical assessment considers the person’s wider experience, including the intensity and persistence of distress, effects on daily activities and their cultural or religious context.

If you are unable to maintain essential responsibilities, experiencing persistent severe distress or increasingly withdrawing from relationships and activities you value, consult an appropriate healthcare professional. They can assess whether grief-focused treatment, help with other mental health concerns or practical support may be suitable.

Seeking care does not require abandoning a valued relationship or agreeing that a memorial practice is unhealthy. Discuss what matters to you and what difficulties you would like assistance with. A useful treatment relationship should take account of both.

If you think you might harm yourself or cannot remain safe, seek immediate emergency assistance. In the United States, call or text 988 for crisis support. Elsewhere, use local emergency or crisis services.

Continuing bonds offer one way to understand how a relationship can retain significance after death. The possibility of a meaningful connection does not make bereavement easy, and there is no obligation to maintain a particular bond. You can honour the history you shared, care for your present life and seek support for difficulties without treating those aims as incompatible.

Frequently Asked Questions

Research And Further Reading

Stroebe And Schut (2005), To Continue Or Relinquish Bonds: A Review Of Consequences For The Bereaved.

Hewson And Colleagues (2024; Online 2023), The Impact Of Continuing Bonds Following Bereavement: A Systematic Review.

Field And Filanosky (2010), Continuing Bonds, Risk Factors For Complicated Grief, And Adjustment To Bereavement.

Neimeyer, Baldwin And Gillies (2006), Continuing Bonds And Reconstructing Meaning: Mitigating Complications In Bereavement.

Kamp And Colleagues (2020), Sensory And Quasi-Sensory Experiences Of The Deceased In Bereavement: An Interdisciplinary And Integrative Review.

Goodall, Krysinska And Andriessen (2022), Continuing Bonds After Loss By Suicide: A Systematic Review.

This article provides general educational information and is not a substitute for individual medical or psychological assessment.